Interesting fact about me: for someone who loves to have a good time, I have a crazy amount of anxiety when it comes to big celebrations. It might be because of the enormous emphasis that was placed on my wedding. I almost cannot believe the incredible amount of time that was spent choosing such tiny details and spending so much money for a six-hour event. Throughout the eight months of planning, I truly felt like there was more contentious arguing than there were supportive, loving conversations. The amount of back and forth about everything from the reception hall, to what time the ceremony should begin, to the cost of my dress weighed so heavily on me, that somewhere in the logistics, the beauty of the experience was lost. My wedding day was aesthetically beautiful and impressive. The place, food, band, decor - seemed like it would have been a dream come true. Yet, I could not help but feel disconnected and “outside my body” throughout so much of it. This was compounded with an immense sense of guilt for feeling more hostility and sadness than gratitude and joy. Until a few years ago, I'd never heard of the term “post-wedding trauma,” but as I’ve gotten older and been in years of therapy, I’ve learned that it’s very real. And while trauma is of course very relative and multi-facteted, I am convinced I carry a great deal of confusion, self-esteem issues, and heaviness from this period in my life.
As a society, we put so much emphasis on grandiose life events. Of course, monumental milestones are worthy of being celebrated. Graduations, unions of people in love, retirements, and birthdays, all provide us with much-needed excitement on the horizon as we journey through the stresses of everyday life. But, we spend so much time planning huge events, that many people wind up suffering from “post-event blues,” when sinking back to our normal, everyday lives. By comparison, the mundane seems almost....disappointing. But (in the spirit of Carrie Bradshaw), I can’t help but wonder, are we putting so much emphasis on the big life events, that we forget that each day is filled with countless opportunities for excitement, connection, intimacy and fun? Are we preparing so much for the "Hallmark" moments (the ones on our calendars with ink hearts around them and led up to with smartphone countdowns), that we’ve lost sight of all the limitless potential and significance of so many moments between “now” and “then?" Yes. I absolutely believe that to a great degree, this is the case.
I don’t want to live my life “in waiting.” I especially don’t want to bide my time between arbitrarily-chosen"worthwhile" occasions to feel a deep sense of connection to my partner. Instead, in the middle of a random Tuesday, I want to feel butterflies in my stomach because of a text I received from him. I want to look across the room and notice him noticing me, in the same way that partners do on their wedding day, but it's just "any other day." I want to send him an invitation to dinner, when all we’re celebrating is.... that moment. I want to show my kids that life truly is made up of thousands of interactions, random acts of kindness, and senseless acts of beauty; that the fabric of our daily lives should be woven with threads of consistent love and adoration. We should show up for our significant other in some way, each and every day. I want memorable conversations and deep talks to be embedded in our style of communication. I want to focus on one another during the times when it’s just about us: no outside influences tainting our connection with unsolicited ideas, advice, or judgment. I want to come back from vacation and maybe be sad that the weather will be shitty at home, and that I'll have to resume annoying "adult" responsibilities again, but be but confident that the intimacy and connection with my husband will still be passionate and often.
Why do we focus so much energy shopping for a dress to wear to someone else’s wedding, re-work our calendar to be on time for a surprise retirement party, and hire a babysitter for a work event, when we oftentimes aren’t putting nearly that much care into the daily quality and depth of our romantic relationships? Are these other occassions worthwhile? Of course! I will forever make my girls' getaways a huge priority and get downright giddy when thinking about being away with my favorite ladies. I will talk about how excited I am for cocktail-hour-appetizers and martinis at every fancy event I attend. I will always want to be a part of making my "people" feel celebrated for their successes, accomplishments, and just for being them, by showering them with gifts and parties. But we need a better balance. We need that same commitment, enthusiasm, and investment in all the other days of the year. Imagine if romantic partners dedicated the same attention and intention during as many of those days as possible? What might it be like to wake up each day looking forward to the next 24 hours with some version of the joy and excitement that we do for those bigger life events? Once that happens (and it CAN happen), we can really start living our lives in the way they are meant to be lived: in the details, in the moments, in love. Most importantly, in it, together, day in and day out.
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