When my daughter was 15, she was diagnosed with ADHD. My husband and son had been diagnosed when they were a lot younger. But, because Mia’s ADHD manifested in completely different ways, we were late to get her diagnosed. The diagnosis definitely answered a lot of questions, explained some of the frustrations she’d been having, and honestly, some I’d been experiencing towards her. Homework assignments weren’t getting completed, she was missing important school obligations, and OMG her room!! Her room looked like every single piece of clothing, every book, every random object was on her floor. I would get enraged walking into her room. Did she have absolutely no regard for the money we spent? Did she have absolutely no appreciation for all I did for her?
I was at therapy one day, discussing the frustration I was feeling and the issues Mia and I had been having. “She completely ignores me every time I tell her to clean her room. It’s totally disrespectful.” My therapist looked at me, and said, “or, maybe you’re expecting her to do something that is literally impossible for her to do. Is there a specific space for everything? Is it organized to be simpler for her, as someone with spatial awareness issues? Labeled bins? Baskets? Bookshelves? Drawers? What have you done to ensure that you haven’t simply set her up for failure?” Damn. Ouch. Ok, maybe she had a point. It was such an eye-opening perspective. Honestly, it made me feel better knowing that now, maybe we could start to fix these issues, and Mia and I could go back to having more of the affectionate, loving one we’d had up until just recently.
Some time later, I was speaking to my therapist about a very popular topic: my complete
frustration towards Adam for not helping around the house more, and for not planning more romantic experiences. Why couldn’t he just do it?! What was so damn hard and terrible about planning an intimate night or a short getaway? What was so hard about calling me from work asking if I needed him to swing by and pick the kids up on his way home? Simultaneously, the fact that Adam would constantly tell me to “stop spending so much money!” Um, what should I cut out? Food shopping? Getting the kids clothing that actually fit them? Make my son quit playing baseball? WHERE DID HE THINK I COULD STOP SPENDING?! Please, tell me.
For years, we’d done the exact same thing to one another that I had been doing to Mia; making completely ineffective, generalized, negative assumptions. It had gotten us nowhere, except into a cycle of passive-aggressive communication, and so much built-up resentment. Never had we actually given one another the tools, patience, and support to successfully make changes. Just as he hadn’t sat down with me to empathetically and supportively figure out how I might be able to actually do better at budgeting, I had never considered that he just didn’t think of planning a night out as a “romantic” gesture. His ideas of romance, as I’ve more recently discovered, are much different than mine. Oh, I guess that would make sense. He never thought to pick the kids up on the way home because (get ready for this shocking bit of information), he had literally never thought of it. Would it have been nice of him to be more of a mind reader? Sure. But I was repeatedly setting him up for failure. We had wasted so much time, energy, and progress. I was so sick of wasting time misunderstanding everyone, and of being misunderstood. It was time for things to change.
Just as I had changed my attitude towards Mia’s seemingly insensitive actions, Adam and I needed to give one another the same opportunity. We were so exhausted, and nothing ever seemed to get better as far as this aspect of our relationship was concerned. What if we dedicated time to truly showing one another specifically what we actually need and want? Not to force it on one another, but to progressively and patiently figure out that there is beauty in better understanding the perspective and needs of our partner. Maybe, if we consistently, patiently, and realistically formed more direct yet gentle communication habits, then we could fill those gaps with more gratitude, sensitivity, and connection. What if we concentrate on the ways our partner wants to be seen and loved, rather than the ways we assume they should want to be seen and loved? Damn I wanted to try that. So, I spent months making it my mission to create a framework that would work towards these very realistic, achievable goals. A fun, low-pressure experience that would finally stop us from wasting so much fucking valuable time. Because, I want as many days, for the rest of our days, to be filled with the good stuff. I want us to feel success. I want that for you, too. We’ve waited long enough. Now, we deserve it.
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