Ok, maybe Dolly didn’t personally teach me everything I know about rules. Let me explain. When I was four-years-old, my mom took me to see, The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas. As long as I live, I will never forget the contagious joy and pure elation evoked from the songs and dances, and being mesmerized by Dolly’s kind, welcoming presence and charismatic demeanor. Yes, Dolly, “I will always love you,” too. I’ve rarely reminisced about “inappropriateness” of that experience. There were definitely boobs bouncin’ around freely onscreen (I had already seen this plenty, since my well-endowed grandma used to undress in front of anyone who happened to be in the room). Otherwise, there was “nuthin’ dirty goin’ on” (excuse the overuse of movie references….I don’t mess around when discussing one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time).
Years later, when it sunk in that most moms probably rushed to even turn off a commercial
for Dolly's “scandalous” film, I asked mine why she so unhesitatingly brought me, on that life-changing day in 1982. She confidently replied, “It was Dolly Parton! There was singing and dancing. It was a feel good time. I didn’t have a babysitter, and I wanted to see it. Plus, taking kids to the movies is one of the highlights and perks of parenting. I may have covered your eyes during the ‘sexier’ scenes, I actually don’t remember (shrug).” I loved this response. Even more, I cannot begin to tell you how much it has influenced the way I parent, and how I make decisions about which rules I truly want to uphold.
In retrospect, my mom actually did have strong opinions about what we watched. She hated violence. When I was eight-years-old, my best friend and I convinced my mom to take us to see Purple Rain. It was rated “R” so my mom had to join us. Ten minutes into the movie, Prince hits his girlfriend. Picture a women standing straight up in a dark, crowded theater, gasping and vehemently stating, “OHHHH, NO - UH UH. GET UP, GIRLS, WE GOTTA GO!” I was mortified. But, because my mom never overdid it with the rules, I knew she meant business! Another time, I had to leave a sleepover my friends were watching Gremlins and I couldn’t sleep. Rightfully annoyed to be picking me up at an ungodly hour, my mom said, “you don’t do well with scary movies. Your friends are fine, you’re not. No more scary movies.” I can't think of any scary movie I've seen since. Imposing restrictions were a rarity, and the broader underlining reasoning was usually evident. Therefore, I rarely questioned it.
My mom used this same, unique method for all areas of decision making as a parent. I didn't agree with all the rules my mom upheld. But I have so much respect that she never had rules just for the sake of having rules. My mom has also never been an overly active, overachieving person (I say this without judgment or negativity). I honestly think she was too damn tired to constantly be arguing with us. Mrs. Smith down the street may have randomly decided age16 was the appropriate time to allow her kids to start dating, but my mom would have questioned the "why" behind that. Oftentimes, if feels like there's an overwhelming mentality that more rules result in more structure. In actuality, they can often lead to confusion and frustration. Never in the history of adolescents, has one heard, “my house, my rules,” and benefitted from the principle. Sure, sometimes it’s necessary to say, “because I said so.” Not every decision needs to have an underlying significance. But maybe it’s time to re-evaluate “rules” as they apply to our unique kids and our unique households.
Designing a system of strategies focused on my family’s specific, multi-faceted needs and personalities has been an ongoing process. For instance, Adam and I will never be the parents who take away our kids' phones as a disciplinary tactic. This is definitely an unpopular POV. We're uninterested in cutting our kids off from friends, family, and access to necessary resources. We also both work full time. Phones offer one form of entertainment, keeping our kids occupied (along with many other activities). There, I said it. We don’t want to take my kids phones away because it feels like a punishment to us as much as them. However, when our son was getting anxious about not being included in certain social activities, we determined that the most impactful response was to delete Snapchat from his phone. It wasn’t the phone that was the issue, but one specific app causing him angst. We preceded and followed up with discussions about inclusivity and why we felt this platform was harmful to his mental health.
I have a friend who doesn’t allow her son to listen to certain music when she’s around. She finds aspects of a particular genre offensive. So, she determined that in the house and car, he can only listen with airpods. I have a different rule in my car. My kids can put on any music they want. However, I can pause a song at any point. I might ask him (and whomever else I'm driving around) why these messages are NEVER to be repeated, and/or discuss how hurtful and triggering the words would to certain people. I am very intentional about choosing my opportunity to stop a song. Oftentimes, the kids immediately groan and roll their eyes. However, many interesting and insightful conversations have resulted as well. I have learned as much from these opportunities as they have, and it keeps me “locked in” (as my son says) to what is current, relevant, and needs an alternate perspective from those on YouTube and TikTok. I'm not saying my friend's way is wrong and mine is right. I'm just saying we each design rules for different reasons. The important thing is that they are satisfying some more significant objective.
In reality, my mom’s "quirky" decision-making tactics were based on as much experience as anyone else going through the great human experiment of parenting. Our society has adopted this idea that the harder something feels, the more productive it is, and the more of a martyr we are with our time and energy, the more we care. But what about the (not so) radical notion that parents deserve to not be perpetually exhausted, overwhelmed, or on high alert? In that movie theater, I was with a mom who was calm and joyful. Being together, watching a badass, female icon and singing along to, “Texas Has A Whorehouse In It,” wound up an incredibly impactful core memory. Her parenting practices may have been unconventional, but they were far from arbitrary.
I challenge each of us to reflect that, while some rules are necessary, and some are made to
be broken, some actually don’t need to be created or enforced at all. Personally, I need rules that are flexible. I need to feel like they’re rooted something meaningful, and worthy of whatever contention might arise. I want them feel more like "life strategies," rather than momentary limitations or punishments. I ask myself, "does this reinforce important characteristics such as kindness, awareness, compassion, and independence?" Maybe I need to start asking myself, "will this rule or decision result in a great story for my child to tell one day, and might it be a core memory that inspires their own musings about rules and boundaries?" Because, while I know my mom never could have anticipated that that event would be this meaningful in the span of my life, I think that she (and Dolly) would be so proud that one little whorehouse could have such a positive and lasting impact.
Reflect and prepare for this school year with an optimistic, confident mindset, whether your kids are entering elementary, middle, high school or college. Understand that contrary to what you've felt in the past, you truly do got this, and we've got your back.
✓ Set the year's tone by establishing a smoother "household flow," maximizing time, space, and energy.
✓ Maintain realistic, effective boundaries and expectations surrounding screen time and social media.
✓ Steal our unique approach to establish and strengthen your badass support network.✓ Curate an environment that fosters more social and academic growth.✓ Lists of positive phrases to reiterate when some extra love and support is needed.
✓ Encourages teamwork and resilience even in times of struggle.
✓ Lunch notes (yes, everyone from kindergarteners to seniors love a lunch note, whether they admit it or not).