Podcast Episode 250
5) We Need To Open The Can Of Worms
This week, we released one of our most vulnerable, complicated podcast episodes ever. It was an episode that led to one of the biggest arguments we’ve had in a long time. But it was a conversation that needed to happen. Damn, it was EXHAUSTING and draining. In the end, it led to one of the best, most eye-opening discussions we’ve ever had.
It also was a reminder that communication between partners can be messy, chaotic and complex. Sometimes it can feel as though we are experiencing the same situations from alternate universes. During this talk, Adam and I both felt like we were in the twilight zone; how could the other person not understand what I’m saying when it seems so blatantly obvious and truthful?!
I think the key is that we never get to a place of completely knowing and understanding our partner. While that can feel frustrating, it also helps keep the passion and energy alive. We are supposed to be ever-changing, evolving human beings. But this means we can never stop learning about one another. We have to keep asking all the questions, even when we THINK we know what the answers will be.
Adam said during the conversation that it felt like I was, “unloading a dump truck of information and opinions” onto him. I felt like he was getting defensive rather than truly taking in what I was trying to say. The funny thing is, as podcasters, we communicate WAY more than the average couple, and this still happens to us. Because, it happens to most couples.
I may have unintentionally “opened up a can of worms,” and it made me realize why so many of us are so often afraid to have the hard conversations that we NEED to be having. But now that the ice has been broken, we can start to work through it and heal, together. I would take this path over one of silence and complacency any day.
Maybe breaking the ice and having that dreaded discussion….whatever that might be, is exactly what will help glue some of the pieces back together and help us to skate a little more smoothly, together going forward, hand in hand.
4) Strategies For Having The Hard Conversations About Intimacy
The strongest couples have the hard conversations. They know that the payoff of these talks far outweigh the temporary discomfort and frustration. Having the courage to "open the can of worms" is usually the hardest part.
a. Think about how you will frame the conversation. If the uncomfortable conversation is about intimacy, maybe the starting point sounds something like: "I don't want to be one of those couples whose sex life gets put on the back burner. I want us to have connection and excitement, because I love being with you. Since we're both changing, and our needs and desires naturally change over time, maybe we could catch up a bit about what we might need right now. Maybe we could plan a date night specifically with that conversation in mind?"
b. Sometimes, breaking the ice with a broader conversation can help introduce the topic in a way that seems less accusatory and direct. For instance, "do you know that only 16% of women orgasm from penetration?" Or, "I was reading this article the other day about (fill in the blank), and it made me realize that most women (or men) feel the way I do about (fill in the blank). Do you think we could talk about it? Maybe since I just learned about it, you might know about it, either."
c. Wait until you're in the moment during an intimate encounter and gently say, "hey, do you think we could try this? If you're not comfortable doing it right now, do you think it's something we could talk about and explore more?" Or, gather the courage to say, "I don't think penetration is going to finish the job for me tonight but I would still love to try some other ways, and besides, I would love you to keep touching me and just being together."
3) Other must-listen-to Marriage and Martinis podcast episodes relating to "Awakening The Sex Talk Demons"
2) INSTAGRAM POLL RESULTS
One of the best parts of having such a large, open-minded community is that we can find out what thousands of other people's answer would be to the questions we ask one another on the podcast. This week's answers were revealing on many levels.
When you were a teenager, if you were a girl who "hooked up" with people, you did it because:
63% said feeling "wanted" made them feel good
6% said that they did it because it was enjoyable and felt good.
(True/False) The boys you were with obviously knew what they were doing and had researched/been taught how to navigate everything.
86% said False
The boys usually asked if I was enjoying what they were doing and if they should do anything different
92% said "Hahaha" (NO)
I have faked an orgasm before
85% said Yes
I feel I have intimacy and romantic passion in my life right now.
58% said No
I feel sexually fulfilled
61% said No
If you are in a long term relationship, intimacy has gotten better as we've gotten older.
53% said No
My partner and I keep our intimate life exciting and fresh.
73% said No
Our bedroom feels like a sexy, private space to be intimate
76% said No
1) Date Night Questions
Awakening The Sex Talk Demons
Listen to our most recent episode, then follow up with these bonus Date Night Questions:
What is something you wish you had been told when you were younger concerning intimacy and pleasure?
Where did you learn most information about sex and intimacy when you were growing up? Was there someone in particular you could talk to?
In this safe space right now, is there something you would like to tell me concerning our current state of intimacy?
What do you need to hear from me right now as a means to be more comfortable and confident when we're together?
What are some ways we could make our bedroom feel like a more intimate setting just for the two of us?
Want more Date Night Questions? Purchase The Date Night Questions Experience book or ebook today! Use code "RECONNECT" for 15% off the print book and "DATENIGHT" for 15% off the ebook!
